It has been a while since I have written an entry in the blog! There has been so much that has been going on. Shay and I both graduated from Weber State. He still works at America First and I will be starting a first grade position at a charter school in Clinton come August! Plus we bought a home and added a fury friend to our family. A cream colored Cocker Spaniel named Teddy.
However, the reason I am writing this journal entry is because the other day as I was reading an Ensign article called "Beyond the Bubblegum Machine" in the April issue, I felt prompted to share an experience Shay and I had about five months ago. Instead of rewriting the experience, I have decided to just share the exact journal entry. Please know I am not posting this for attention or sympathy. I am simply posting this in hopes that my testimony and the experience I had will be able to help strengthen or uplift someone who is struggling.
I am writing this journal entry because I know I have to, not because I want to. I believe that I must write this journal entry in order to fully move on from what has happened these past couple of weeks. As was mentioned in the last journal entry, Shay and I found out we were expecting on November 18th, 2013. We had planned on telling our families on December 24th. We were very excited and could not wait to share the exciting news. I finished school the first week of December and had my first prenatal appointment on December 9th at 4pm. I was very anxious the day of the appointment and had several emotions. I was excited, nervous, scared, anxious, happy, etc. When the time for the appointment came, Shay left work early and came home so we could go to the hospital together. We met with our doctor, she asked me questions about family history and then performed a vaginal ultrasound. She said we should be able to see little webbed hands and feet and that it might even be swimming around. However, when she brought the picture up on the screen, all that was visible was a yolk sack. She removed the ultrasound and took a deep breath. She then informed us that our pregnancy was not going to be neither easy nor normal. My heart literally dropped to my stomach and I felt sick. It was not the news I was expecting neither was it the news I wanted to hear. I had been so worried about being able to get pregnant, especially with everything my sisters had been through. As the appointment went on the doctor concluded that the results could be one of two things. I was either having a miscarriage or the embryo was just not as far along as we originally thought. She advised us to have some blood work done, which would determine whether the hormone HCG was still rising or not. If it wasn’t then I was having a miscarriage, if it was rising then I just wasn’t as far along as we thought. Before we left, we had the test performed and went home feeling depressed and heart-broken. That week was probably one of the hardest I have ever been through. I was trying to remain positive, but couldn’t help feel in my heart that I was going to loose the baby. I had been so preoccupied with simply becoming pregnant that I had never dreamed I would be at risk for a miscarriage. I know they are very common and that 1 in 4 woman have one, but it still had never crossed my mind. When I went back in three days later to have the test repeated I was still hopeful that our little baby was strong and healthy and that there was nothing to worry about. I also knew that no matter what happened all would be well. I had received several blessings from Shay and had prayed for peace not matter the outcome. When they finally received the results of the test we were informed my levels were still rising. I was overcome with joy and could not contain my excitement. However, I was still concerned because the day after we had received the news of our possible miscarriage I began to have light bleeding. Sometimes it was more than others and sometimes it was dark blood and sometimes it was a bright red. Shay and I researched often to determine what it could be. I called the nurse and told her my symptoms. I was lightly bleeding, but I was not having any severe pain. Therefore, even though the news we received was a huge relief I was still worried that I might be having a miscarriage due to the bleeding. On the night of December 17th, by fears were reaffirmed as I started having intense back pain and cramps. By the morning of December 18th I lost the sweet baby in the emergency room at McKay Dee Hospital. I cannot tell you the heartache and sadness I felt. I have never been in so much pain, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I desire nothing more than to be a mother, to hold an infant in my arms and to know that my husband and I created it. Being able to have children is the greatest gift God has given men. I do not know why Shay and I had to experience this trial and I may never know, but I do know that it was necessary. I have a greater appreciation for life and have more sympathy for those who have experienced what I have. I understand loss more than I have ever before in my life and have greater compassion for my sister Summerly who is unable to have children. This experience, although difficult, has taught me so much. I understand the atonement and its purpose more fully. I understand why Jesus Christ suffered for our sins. I also thought it to be for those who needed to repent, but I now realize that the atonement is not just for sinners but also for all. It is because of the atonement that I can have peace in knowing Heavenly Father has felt what I have felt. His sympathy and understanding for the trials we face is deeper than any around us and greater than we can ever comprehend. That is why I feel peace. I know that His arms were wrapped around me constantly, even when I was filled with anger and betrayal at what had happened and even when I felt it unfair and unjust that I lost that baby. Although I was only about 8-9 weeks along, that baby had become apart of me. I didn’t eat, move, drink, or sleep without constantly thinking about the effects my actions would have on it. To suddenly have that taken away was a huge blow and one that I felt was totally undeserved. However, instead of being consumed with hate and anger, I was consumed with love and peace. It has been promised that Shay and I will bring choice spirits into this world and it has been promised that we will be able to raise them in the Gospel. Heavenly Father knows all and knows our circumstances better than we do ourselves. Shay and I had to go through this trial and although we will have a family, it is not at this moment. I have a testimony of prayer and of Heavenly Father’s timing. I know that He lives and that He loves us. If I did not have that testimony then I would not have been able to make it through this trial. I know that the Priesthood is real and so are the blessings that come from it. I am so grateful for Shay and for his support. He never left my side as I cried about the loss of our baby and he never once told me to stop grieving. I know it has been hard for him too and yet he always put my needs first. I am so blessed and know that I will continue to be blessed as I remain faithful and true to the covenants I have made, to my husband, and with my Heavenly Father. "
I would just like to share a few paragraphs from the article I read in the Ensign that brought me a sense of peace and understanding:
Having trials of faith is uncomfortable and frustrating and stretches me outside my comfort zone. But I know that trials of our faith are the only way to receive the witness Moroni talks about: “I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith” (Ether 12:6).
The blessings I hold most dear are the ones that didn’t come easily; they are the ones I had to fight the hardest for—the ones that came after a trial of my faith.
I know this church is true and that our Heavenly Father loves each and everyone of us. He knows personally what we go through and is quick to provide comfort when needed if we but ask. I know that I will be able to have a family one day according to the Lord's timing. In the mean time, I know that it is my duty to prepare the best I can to be a mother of Heavenly Father's choice spirit children.
I am so grateful that I have a wonderful husband by my side and honestly don't know what I would do without him. He has been my strength through every trial I have faced. I am grateful he has and is worthy to exercise the priesthood. I know it is because of that sacred authority we are able to be closer to each other and our Heavenly Father.
"Faith is not about everything turning out ok.
It's about being ok, no matter how things turn out."
It's about being ok, no matter how things turn out."